Awkward Fetishes
by 2M
Summary: AU Not only is Kanda Yu forced to join a war he isn’t interested in, he is shocked to find that everyone is convinced he is a girl in disguise, a twisted parody of Mulan.
1. Kanda wants YOU to join the Army

**Awkward Fetishes**

By bleached.dragon

**Summary:** AU Not only is Kanda Yu forced to join a war he isn't interested in, he is shocked to find that everyone is convinced he is a girl in disguise, a twisted parody of Mulan.

**A/N: **Here I thought I was never going to make a Disney movie parody… and yet… this idea came up and kicked me in the head… I'm not sure it's a good thing or a bad thing.

* * *

Chapter 1: Kanda wants YOU to join the Imperial Army!

The herald, sweating in heavy robes, watched in consternation as the old man before him tried every method of draft dodging in the book. He sighed.

"Look! Look! My arm's broken!" the old man with the bulbous nose waved the offending body part with a vigor that injured people generally didn't display.

"Will you accept the summons?" the herald continued with monotone.

"See? I have a German passport! I'm not a Chinese citizen!"

The herald lost his patience, "Just accept the freaking summons, will you?"

The old man sighed, "You leave me no choice," he turned and called, "YU-CHAN!"

"DO NOT CALL ME THAT!" a young lady burst out from the front gate of the well to do estate, shattering the door in the process, and pointed an extraordinarily sharp weapon at the old man.

"Now, now Yu-chan, be a good boy and accept daddy's summons to the Imperial Army," the old man flapped his hand at the herald.

"You. Are. Not. My. Father." the newcomer snarled.

"I'm pretty much the same thing," the old man continued cheerfully, "so you can call me daddy, if you want, say 'daddy', 'daddy', ooh that's a good boy! Now accept daddy's summons!"

"Tch!" the longhaired girl stalked forward, snatched the scroll and stalked off.

"Hold on!" the tired herald jumped from his horse, "We're summoning able bodied MEN! Your daughter can't substitute you!"

The old man ignored the call and dashed after his child, "Yu-chan! Be a good boy and fix daddy's door before you leave! It's not polite to break people's doors and just leave!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, OLD MAN!"

* * *

Kanda Yu seethed, just because he had taken the scroll didn't mean he was planning on going to join the Imperial Army. In fact, at his first chance, he was going to dump that stupid scrap of paper down a well. Anything that made Tiedoll act like he was on drugs was definitely unhealthy to hold onto for long periods of time.

The Japanese man stalked into his room to meditate and instead found that all the furniture had been removed for god knows what purpose. His bags were also neatly packed, apparently, some people in this estate were eager to see him go.

"Che!" as if.

Kanda settled on the one tatami still left in the room and closed his eyes in mediation, he was not freaking going to fight some freaking war!

"YU-CHAN!" Kanda twitched, "DADDY GOT YOU A SPECIAL PONY FOR YOUR SPECIAL DAY!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, OLD MAN!"

"Meanie! Yu-chan was mean to me!" wailing, the old artist sprinted for the door, leaving a dubious looking pony in his place.

Kanda looked at the pony.

The pony looked at him.

"Che! What kind of color are you?" Kanda glared at the rather pathetic pony, which was a peculiar golden color.

The pony proceeded forward on shaky legs and then, suddenly, opened its mouth to reveal a row of extremely sharp teeth and chomped down on his arm.

The Japanese man swore and grabbed Mugen, unsheathing it in one fluid movement and would have beheaded the horse if his arm hadn't been released with lightning speed. Kanda smirked; at least it knew when its pathetic life was at risk.

His eyes widened when he heard the distinctive crunch of metal and looked down just in time to watch the horse consume Mugen. Kanda glared at the equine terror that he had just been entrusted with and backed away slowly and slammed open his closet.

The dark haired man sighed with relief when he saw that Tiedoll hadn't carted off his replacement Mugen. He grabbed the katana and pointed it menacingly at the horse.

The horse, being rather militant, had already picked up Kanda's pack and was holding a piece of paper in its sharp teeth.

Sighing, Kanda reached out and snatched the paper, wincing as half of it was caught in the pony's mouth and quickly chewed up.

_To my dearest Kanda,_

_This pony is a gift to commemorate our anniversary._

What the hell! Kanda was tempted to shred the paper to bits.

_Its name is Timcampy._

Thankfully, the horse had shred the remainder of the letter, otherwise Kanda might have gone and hunted Tiedoll down to stab him a couple of times.

"Tch!" Kanda sat down on his tatami, "You," he gestured at the horse, "there," he pointed at a lonely corner.

The horse got as close to pouting as a horse could get, it snuffled and pulled on Kanda's manskirt.

Kanda glared at it and reached for Mugen.

The horse trotted away and then returned a few moments later with the draft scroll and dropped it in the irritable man's lap.

Kanda glared, "You really think I'm going to go?" he snorted.

The horse showed razor sharp teeth.

"You really think," Kanda snorted in derision.

Timcampy peeled back his lips to show his teeth and trotted out the door. The yellow horse turned and looked at Kanda, as if waiting for him to follow.

Kanda glared back at it.

"Oh my," Tiedoll gazed at Kanda from behind several pieces of shrubbery, "It might be midnight before we make any progress."

* * *

Kanda didn't know how he ended up in front of the army camp. He bet that that infernal furball dragged him there when he fell asleep last night. He sat up in a small glade where he was settled against a rock and looked towards the neat rows of tents. Kanda swore.

Timcampy looked as close to grinning as a horse could get.

"Che! Don't gloat now!"

Kanda glared at the horse with all his righteous anger.

The horse let out a chuckle.

Kanda reached for Mugen.

"Um… excuse me?" a hand reached out a tapped Kanda on he shoulder.

The Japanese swordsman snarled and unsheathed his blade, drawing it rapidly on the newcomer.

"Ack!" the young lady before him backed away slowly, twin braids swinging, "Don't hurt me!"

"Oh…" Kanda lowered his weapon of the apocalypse, "Who are you?"

"Are you my guardian?" she adjusted her glasses and gazed at him closely.

"Guardian?"

"Well, you see… I'm actually a girl in disguise…" she trailed off, looking for his reaction.

"No shit," Kanda looked at the skirt and the braids.

She pouted, "Be more enthusiastic if you're my guardian!"

"Don't listen to him! I'm your guardian!" a voice emanated from somewhere on the floor.

"It's a white lizard…" Kanda blinked, "It's talking."

"I was sent by your ancestors to be your guardian on your journey of fate!" the lizard jumped up and down.

Kanda raised his eyebrows a fraction of an inch.

The girl picked up the lizard and held it up for Kanda to see, "I expected something grander, like a broodingly handsome man. Anyway, I was told to wait in this glade for my guardian."

"I'm YOUR GAURDIAN!" the lizard glared indignantly from his post, "Don't go looking for dates!"

She pouted.

"Che!" Kanda stood and was about to stalk off before he was grabbed.

The mysterious girl looked at him pleadingly, "Please can you help me? The lizard is telling me to trust my guardian spirits and just walk in like this because he's going to wave some magic charms and make them think I'm a man!" she wailed.

Kanda coughed.

"I agree," the girl hung her head.

The Japanese man sighed and settled down on the rock, "So why are you even trying?"

"To replace my aging father, who was drafted," she smiled virtuously.

Kanda snorted, "Yeah right."

She sighed, "Yeah. He's a drunk and wouldn't survive five seconds. He was so drunk that he became convinced I was a boy and sent me off."

Kanda sighed, "My legal guardian acts like he's high on a daily basis."

Both of them sighed rather miserably in unison.

"Stop sharing war stories! We have a war to join!" the lizard hopped up and down.

"That sounded rather ironic."

The lizard glared.

Kanda stood, "I'm leaving, otherwise this idiot horse will try to molest me." He jerked a finger at Timcampy.

"It's such a pretty horse though!" the bespectacled girl patted the yellow pony's mane, she pouted, "I have to go too, otherwise this idiot lizard will yell at me," she looked at Kanda, "Do you want to trade?"

"H-h-hey!" the idiot lizard turned to the pony, "They have joined forces on us!"

"And the idiots join the idiots."

"Shut up!"

The pony gnashed its teeth together threateningly.

The girl smiled, "We should get this over with, let's go!"

Kanda sighed, "They're going to find you out in a minute."

"I've prepared my sob stories."

"Let's go then."

"Hey! You're not letting me do my guardian work!"

Kanda snorted and the group proceeded into the camp and to the registration tent.

* * *

"You're registering?" the frazzled man sitting in front of a sign that read 'Registration' peered up at the group from behind large spectacles.

"Yes," Kanda looked away.

"Okay, give me your scrolls and I'll write your names down on the roll call sheet and give you some forms to fill out."

"Kanda Yu."

"Lo Hwa."

Kanda looked down at his form, "A liability waiver?"

"This is the army though!" the girl glared at the enlistment officer, "Of course we're going to get hurt!"

"That's why you get to sign that paper."

"But isn't there heath care for veterans and all those other benefits?" Lo Hwa demanded.

"Nope."

Kanda raised his eyebrows at the blatant remark and then decided to take action, drawing Mugen, he said abruptly, "We're not going to sign the papers."

"B-b-but you have to!" the enlistment officer backed up, tipping over his cup of lemon soda, as he gazed at the sharp weapon that was pointed at him.

"I don't want to," the Japanese man snapped and was about to stalk off before he was grabbed.

""Hey, hey!" Kanda looked in the face of a peculiar man wearing a beret.

"What?" he snapped tersely.

"Welcome to Resort Boot Camp?" the man shook both their hands vigorously.

"Resort?"

The man gazed at the pair from behind the spectacles perched on his nose, "You must be the Madonna of the camp!"

"What the hell?!" Kanda was about to stalk off, but was restrained by the strange newcomer.

"Madonna?" Lo Hwa blinked.

"The girl who disguises herself as a man and joins the army. She becomes our good luck charm, so take care of us!" the man smiled cheerfully.

"Good… luck charm?" the braided girl blushed a bit and then looked towards where the man was dragging Kanda along, "No way!"

"Miss Madonna! Where are you going?" the bereted man clung onto Kanda with incredible strength, "Don't worry! We'll keep your identity a secret!"

"Let go of me!" Kanda snarled and snapped the man's wrist.

"I'm taking you to meet the general!"

Lo Hwa giggled and surreptitiously dumped the release forms into the trash.

The white lizard popped out from her travel bag and waved several charms in the air, "Ah, the old magic always works."

The bespectacled girl raised her eyebrows, "Oh right, you don't have a name…" she thought for a moment, "Hm, I guess I'll call you Moyashi then!"

"IT'S ALLEN!"

* * *

**A/N: **So many plot twists… (did you really think I would stick with the Mulan plot? That's no fun!) And there's a lot of allusions to the identities of characters… so ask me if you have any questions… and next, we meet the general in charge! Oh and as a bonus, Lo Hwa's father is none other than General Cross!

Thank you for reading, please review!


	2. High Voltage

**Awkward Fetishes**

By bleached.dragon

**Summary:** AU Not only is Kanda Yu forced to join a war he isn't interested in, he is shocked to find that everyone is convinced he is a girl in disguise in a twisted parody of Mulan.

**A/N: **Wow… I finally updated… Sorry, I've been slaking off a bit since I'm really lazy… Thanks to all the reviewers last time. Oh and this one is even more ditzy than the last.

* * *

Chapter 2: High Voltage

"Hey! What the hell are you doing?" Allen wiggled out of Lo Hwa's grasp just before he was dumped in a noxious liquid.

"What else do you think I'm doing?" Lo Hwa picked up Allen by the tail and brought him up to eye level, "I'm checking that this stuff isn't poisonous!"

"Jerk!" the lizard huffed, "Don't use me as your personal meal tester!"

Lo Hwa sniffed, "Like you're much use otherwise!"

"I'm an adorable companion!" Allen pouted, "Most girls would have melted before my cuteness."

The braided girl snorted, and spooned some of the slop in her bowl, "Right, right. Now open up!" she brought the spoon towards the lizard's mouth, "Say 'Ahh!'"

"What? No!" the lizard backed up, outraged, "You want me to die?"

"You'd be sacrificing your life for a good cause."

"You seriously want me to die," Allen sighed.

"I'll light candles for you," Lo Hwa smiled cheerfully and gestured again with her spoon.

"I should have taken the job offer form Geico."

* * *

"Ah man, she looks like a guy," the red haired man slumped on the only chair in the tent sighed, "She's not hot at all."

"I'm not a girl!" Kanda snarled and jerked out of the bereted man's grasp.

"Of course you are," the man replied amiably.

"I. Am. Not. A. Girl." Kanda cursed his androgynous beauty.

"You see the guy behind you?" the redhead smiled brightly, jerking his finger at the bereted man, "He's the Empress's personal herald, Komui Lee," the man waved back brightly, "If I don't agree with him," he smiled and made a slashing movement across his throat.

"So?" the dark haired man snarled in reply.

The redhead sniffed, "You don't care about your beloved general's life?" he wiped a mock tear off his face, "Look! You made me cry!"

"Che!" Kanda turned to leave.

"You know your head is up for chopping too, if you don't obey me, Miss!" the general called.

Kanda gestured back rudely.

"Aw man," the redhead slumped back into his seat.

"General Lavi, if you'd like, I'll deal with him," Komui bowed.

"If it's not too much trouble," Lavi dug around the cushions in his chair, "Where are my…?"

Komui twirled a set of keys around his finger, "I don't think it'll be much trouble at all. I haven't taken Komurin for a stroll lately," he skipped out off the tent.

"Wha? Did you just say Komurin?" the redhead resurfaced from his search of the couch cushions, "Oh well," Lavi opened the mysterious looking tome and began flipping through it, "There is no way he's going to use _it_ again."

Outside, Komui pumped his fists, "Let's use a mysteriously italicized pronoun!"

* * *

"WHAT? YOU WALKED OUT ON THE GENERAL?" Lo Hwa stared.

"So?" Kanda snarled in response and ate a mouthful of the braided girl's lunch.

"So?" she screeched, "If you weren't so pretty, I would be denying our relationship!"

"What relationship?" Allen yawned, "Does having a closet shrine for someone constitute as a relationship these days?"

"Shut up!" Lo Hwa flung a salad bowl at the lizard.

"Che!" Kanda wondered if his unwanted tablemates would go away if he ignored them, "Why is there no soba?"

"Did he just eat my food?" the bespectacled girl frowned.

"He's still eating your food," Allen added helpfully.

Kanda choked and slumped over the table, spilling the remainder of Lo Hwa's lunch all over the table.

"Not anymore, I see. Apparently the food was toxic…" the girl was scribbling notes, "Pulse fading, breathing irregular, no response to stimulants…"

"This isn't the time to be conducting scientific experiments!" Allen tugged at her sleeve, "He's going to die at this rate!"

Lo Hwa plugged in her defibrillator, "Don't worry, I have a certificate in first aid." She prodded the dark haired man with the device. A sizzling sound was the only response she received.

Allen watched forlornly, "Why do I have a hard time believing you?"

"Maybe I should turn the voltage up," Lo Hwa lifted one of Kanda's eyelids.

"You killed him!" the lizard howled, "He was a jerk, but you didn't have to kill him!"

"What the hell… are you doing?" a pale hand shot up and wrapped itself tightly around the girl's wrist. Kanda pulled himself painfully up to a sitting position, his expression scary enough to kill.

"Uh…" the Lo Hwa was speechless, "Trying to help you?"

"Che!" Kanda turned away, "If you want to help, get me a bowl of soba!" he placed a hand over his heart, wincing.

Lo Hwa giggled, "O-o-okay," she stuck her fists into her mouth of keep herself from laughing, "Would you like fries with that?"

"What?" Kanda turned on them, drawing his sword in a second.

"Pfffft," Allen stared at Kanda and then had to sprint away as fast as his little legs could carry him so that the dark haired man wouldn't see him laughing.

"Don't laugh, Allen!" Lo Hwa sniggered, "It's just a wardrobe malfunction."

"What the hell?" Kanda glared at the two, his sword wavering between them.

Trembling with pent up mirth, it was all Lo Hwa could do, pulling a hand mirror out of her pocket and extending it towards the Japanese man.

"What the—!"

* * *

"Oh come on, it isn't that bad anymore," Lo Hwa smiled soothingly and then winced, clutching her broken rib.

"Y-y-yeah, you look peachy…" Allen mumbled from behind a full body cast.

"Absolutely lovely," the Chinese girl discovered that it was difficult to maneuver the comb while her arm was broken.

Kanda merely snarled in reply and continued polishing Mugen.

"Uh, Kanda?" Lo Hwa had backed up some fifty meters or so, "Just so you know, I got most of the electrocuted look out of your hair… but…"

"What?" the Japanese man raised Mugen an inch.

"Ack…!" the Chinese girl increased the distance another ten meters until she had nearly backed up into someone else's tent, "On the bright side, I know a lot of girls who would die for your hair."

"What… do you mean?" Kanda raised his sword several inches more.

Allen was slowly and painfully crawling into the most unobtrusive corner he could find.

"Uh well…" Lo Hwa reached for her mirror before belatedly remembering that Kanda had smashed it when he had taken his first view of the Afro that she had accidentally molded his hair into.

"What?" Mugen was above Kanda's head now.

"Well, you know… Uh…" the braided girl looked around for any magazines to point to, "You've got this curly thing now… it's not an Afro… but it's kind of like a… curly pompadour?"

Mugen shot out in Lo Hwa's general direction, but before the dark haired man could inflict any lasting damage on the Chinese girl, there was a sudden explosion and pink smoke flooded the general area.

"Smoke? That is so cliché, you can do better, Lo Hwa!" Allen cried out from behind the metal bookcase he had taken refuge behind.

"It wasn't me!" she yelled back indignantly, fending Kanda off with a shield that she had picked up, "Some guardian, hiding behind a bookcase while I'm going to die! The saga hasn't even begun and I'm going to get killed!"

"Hello sweethearts!" Komui waved at the gathered people.

"Oh, a giant robot, even more original."

"What the hell is a giant robot doing in this time and age?" Kanda raised Mugen, "Die!"

Lo Hwa stared at it with an inscrutable expression.

"Well? No reaction? Applause? Screaming?"

Lo Hwa blinked.

"Oh come on! I'm here to discipline straight cut fringe over here, so at least show some appreciation!"

Lo Hwa walked up slowly towards the contraption.

Komui watched her nervously and scrabbled around for the reverse button.

"Wow!"

"Huh?" Allen peeked from behind his bookshelf.

"Amazing!" the Chinese girl's eyes shone.

"WHAT?" the white lizard blinked.

Lo Hwa patted it, "What kind of engine does this run on? How many cylinders do you use? I haven't gotten anything bigger than a cat to run on the engines I use…"

The bereted man hopped down from his machine, "She's a beauty, isn't she?" his eyes misting over, he stroked the giant robot fondly, "She's the third in the line Komurin 3!"

Allen snorted, "Quite the original name you've got there."

"She's like the girlfriend I never hand," Komui sobbed as he clutched the machine. Lo Hwa patted his shoulder.

"What a sad, sad little man," Allen sighed.

Kanda merely flung himself on his cot and promptly fell asleep, clutching Mugen like a security blanket.

Komui was still sobbing.

Lo Hwa sighed, "Weren't you going to discipline Kanda or something?"

"Oh right!" the Chinese man perked right up, "Kanda! Prepare to be disciplined!"

"SHUT UP!" the swordsman snarled in response and, drawing Mugen, promptly smashed the robot to pieces.

"My honey!"

Lo Hwa shook her head sadly, "What a twisted end to a beautiful romance."

"I think you're the one who's twisted," Allen retorted.

The Chinese girl pouted, "But I came here searching for true love!"

"But you're disguised as a man," the lizard pointed out.

"No I'm not," the bespectacled girl twirled for effect, "No one's noticed yet though. They're all caught up on Princess Kanda."

Allen sighed, "You're just trying to deny that you got forced here by your drunken father who was too drunk to realize that you're female."

Lo Hwa stuck her tongue out, "I'll just hide in Princess Kanda's shadow. His androgynous beauty will dazzle everyone into thinking that I'm male, and competent."

"You don't have a Plan B?"

"I could just blow them all up," the girl shrugged, smiling sweetly.

Komui blinked back tears, "My precious Komurin, I SHALL AVENGE YOU!" he raised a deadly looking bazooka and fired random shots.

"I get this feeling that he does this a lot," Lo Hwa drawled, taking refuge behind the bookcase.

"I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE HELL UP!" Mugen flashed, bazooka pieces fell like so much sashimi.

"B-b-bazooka-chan!" Komui cradled the pieces sadly. "THIS IS DOUBLE REVENGE!" suddenly there was a lot of heavy artillery flying around.

Lo Hwa blinked, "Is it just me, or is the military camp in ruins?"

"Yep, it's in ruins," Allen flinched as another tent was shot down.

"Why is Kanda not doing anything, the tent is starting to burn…" Lo Hwa peered inside, "Ah! He's still asleep!"

"You mean he beat up Komui while he was sleeping? Scary…"

"REVENGE!"

* * *

**A/N:** A lot of Lo Hwa and Allen action in this one… Kanda will do more in the next chapter, because it's time for the official start of BOOT CAMP! Anyway, if you have any suggestions, give me some ideas about boot camp exercises that:

Kanda will fail at.

Suit Lavi's personality.

I will credit all submissions. Thanks for reading. I will love you forever if you review!

Oh and what is in Lavi's book? That'll be next time! But feel free to guess.


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